A Guilty Conscience

I expected to deal with guilt when I first arrived to Madagascar. After orientation, I felt somewhat prepared for the seemingly inevitable feelings of guilt that I was sure would accomplish the privilege I have that is so glaringly obvious as a vazaha in Mada. And I did feel the weight of my privilege in Madagascar. But it was just that- weight. It was heavy, but bearable. 

Right now? After 'my YAGM year', I decided to travel to the Holy Land. Back in March, it seemed like a great idea. But now that I'm actually here, I am being slowly crushed by guilt. It's hard to breathe, it's hard to move, to get out of bed, to function. I am crushed, crushed, crushed. 

It's pervasive. 

I feel guilty that... 

-I don't speak any Arabic or Hebrew. 

-I don't want to be identified as a tourist. I realize that while I was a YAGM, I somehow viewed myself as being superior to tourists (especially because a lot of the tourists in Mada were older French men who came for sex tourism); that preconception has carried over here. 

-I'm so, so tired (mentally, physically, emotionally) that all I want to do is hide in my room with the lights off, but I feel like I shouldn't waste such an opportunity to see the holy land that most of my Gasy friends can only dream of- same goes for the Palestinians I've met. 

-I'm so ignorant of the conflict here. 

-I can't bring myself to spend money very easily...even on things that are necessary, like food or transportation. 

-I'm so homesick for Madagascar that I can't find it in me to be excited about the new things here- new sights, new smells, new tastes; all I do is compare to Madagascar. "Drivers actually stop for people to cross the road here. Why aren't there any beggars? I want to yell out 'there's a stop' instead of pushing this dumb button to stop the bus. Where is all the street food? I miss the smell of oil and fried food. The pervasive spice aroma here is nice, but wrong. Its supposed to be winter now, not summer. I hate the heat. I blend in here." 

From my talks with other YAGMs, it seems that this is not an isolated problem limited to just myself. Other people have expressed their own various feelings of guilt as well. 

So what do I do with this? I'm searching for some kind of resolution here, but I don't know what exactly. Will I ever feel okay again? Do I want to feel okay again? Feeling guilty sucks, but I don't know that feeling complacent is any better. Right now, I suppose I'll just keep muddling along and hoping for the best. I'll update you all if I have any sudden revelations over the next weeks. 

View from the roof of Tantur Ecumenical Insitute, where I was hosted by my lovely YAGM alum friend Karis for a week.

I liked hanging out on the roof...

Damascus Gate, into the Old City of Jerusalem. This area is known for being a 'flashpoint' where protests and conflicts break out between IDF (Israeli Defense Force) soldiers and Palestinians...a friend told me that the bowl-like area in front of the gate used to be a hang out place for friends to meet and play cards and such. 

The Arab bus station and surrounding market that I frequented while staying in the Jerusalem area. 

In East Jerusalem area, I went to a wonderful bookshop called 'Educational Bookshop'. It featured books by Palestinian authors, and books about the conflict, traditional Palestinian cuisine, music, etc. I bought myself a book of poetry by modern Palestinian poets. 

View of the Old City of Jerusalem.

Alley inside the Christian quarter of the Old City.

The Church of the Holy Sepulcher, the most holy site in Christianity. The church is owned by 5 different sects of Christianity...the keys are held by a Muslim family, in order to ensure that no one sect can lock the others out. A new friend, a professor here, told me an interesting story about the ladder leaning against the window towards the top of the picture. Apparently, when the different sects divided up the church, they went stone by stone, object by object, claiming domain on everything. But-- they forgot the ladder. So now, no one can move it, lest they upset the status quo. Instead, when the ladder disintegrates, they just replace it with a new one. Christianity at its finest, folks. 

The Western Wall plaza, the most holy site in Judaism; the Dome of the Rock is in the background (the golden mosque dome), which is the most holy site in Isam. 

Stairs leading into Manger Square, Old City of Bethlehem. (I liked this spot a lot because it reminded me of the stairs I'd take to Analakely in Tana occasionally) 

Art on the separation wall in Bethlehem... The wall and the checkpoint were very, very difficult to confront for me. It's...beyond words. Beyond description. 

Obligatory solo-traveler-selfie in the Old City of Bethlehem.