I have a suitcase, a backpack, and a massive "purse". I've packed in a years worth of clothing into a 38lb suitcase that can barely be lifted. Although I tried to limit myself, to challenge myself to truly embrace the concept of simple living... I still have more than I need. I know this. Recognize this. I have more than I need.
And I still found things to pack, "just in case". What if I can't actually handle 50 degree winters like I thought? What if it rains a lot and I don't have a rain jacket, poncho, or umbrella? What if I just want to journal, but I don't have access to the 30 pack of colored markers I've grown accustomed to? What if I actually DO need to bring 2 more books with me? What if, what if, what if. The contingencies are overwhelming, and I've grown burdened with trying to accommodate them all.
But I carry another burden as well, one that's maybe not quite visible at first. It's not always readily apparent, but it is heavy. My American privilege and all the baggage that comes with it is also going to be carried 9,368 miles to Madagascar.
Our YAGM community did an exercise on our last day together, where we visually represented to sometimes harsh realities of the world. We were divided up into groups of countries based on our gross income, and assigned a square representative of the land relative to population in those countries. And then, money and food and water and weapons and luxuries (like electricity) were doled out. The group watched as some received much more than the majority, and we saw the effects of the fews greed and exploitation visually and tangibly on the many.
I was a part of group B, that included countries like Ghana and Palestine. We were so squished in close together we could barely move. It was an uncomfortable hour. We "felt" the effects of our worlds systems- some of us got sick with dysentery from unclean water, most of us were hungry, we had surgical masks for pollution, and we had to volunteer one person to represent the infant mortality rates our countries experienced.
Some of my observations and those of my fellow YAGMs:
-"I volunteered to be the person to die because being "dead" felt easier than staying alive and dealing with everything I knew was yet to come."
-"I wanted to help, to throw a water bottle over to group B or something, but knew that it wouldn't do anything."
-I was struck by the way that our group felt an immediate solidarity with each other. Even though we weren't supposed to, we shared and passed around our meager portions of rice so that everyone had a chance at some. There were no hard feelings when one of us sat on another's foot, we all shifted to give more space and traded a knowing and understanding look.
-"Isn't it interesting how we [the poorer groups] immediately looked to the richest group to do something to help us? We easily forgot that we in reality are part of that richest group that isn't doing enough to help."
-In all of the country groups represented, women were exploited to varying degrees. In the poorer countries, women weren't allowed to sit on chairs and had to hold cooking utensils and large potable water jugs. The men were allowed to sit on chairs, and in the richest countries they were doted upon. And yet it struck me that even in the richest group, a portion of the women were still standing. They had more than us in group B, sure, but they were still worse off than the men in their group.
All of this comes on the heels of a weeks worth of talking about privilege, power, and money. Accompaniment. LGBTQ issues. Manifest destiny and American exceptionalism. Being a servant vs. choosing to serve. Biases. Cultural origins, differences, and assimilation.
As a sociology major, none of this is particularly new to me. And that's not to say that I've figured out all the answers, because honestly at times I'm not sure there is answer.
I can get caught up in the existentialism and the hopelessness of social problems very quickly. But there's a reason for that, that is that it's incredibly easy to look at a large systemic problem like racism or poverty or women's inequality and say 'well, there's nothing I can do about that.' It's a cop out. A quick, easy, dirty way to ease your guilt.
The weight of that American privilege is heavy.
Carrying it all the way to Madagascar, one of the poorest nations in the world, is going to be difficult.
We ended our time together in orientation with one last plenary session, trying to put a hopeful spin on what had otherwise been a pretty heavy week. And to some extent, it worked. We talked about our role in the larger picture. How we need to be acutely aware of our privileges in this world. How we can carry that with us, and how to use it for some greater good. How to not be crushed under guilt.
Because what it comes down to is this: we cannot fix it.
Let me remedy that statement- we cannot fix the world alone. One person is not enough. 74 YAGMs are not enough. We cannot change the systemic injustices that are so present in our world right now.
But here's what we can do- we can bear witness to the stories we encounter in our year of service. We can live as servants, offering ourselves fully and taking what is offered with grateful hearts. We can see firsthand the effects of our system on some of the more marginalized of our world, and we can carry that experience back to the U.S. with us. And maybe, just maybe, if there are enough of us bearing that witness and advocating the need for change, maybe all of our voices together will be loud enough that the U.S., with all of its privilege and power, might hear us.
As Pr. Heidi so eloquently put it, "we [the ELCA] are going to mess you up so that you can come back and mess with us."
So the object of this YAGM year in service is not to "fix" anything in Madagascar, to come in and be a great savior of the nation. That's impossible.
I suppose the object of this year, for me anyway, is twofold. 1. Be a willing servant so that I may bear witness to the stories of my Malagasy community to my home country & 2. To take what I've seen and do something with it- whether it's in the church or maybe even in the government. And isn't that what accompaniment is all about after-all?
Micah 6:9
He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God? ***
***notice it does not say 'to share your rightness with others' or 'to try to single-handedly fix all injustices'.
