When I was first invited to the ELCA Discernment, Interview, and Placement (DIP) weekend, the two 'preliminary' country placements they offered me were the UK and Jerusalem/the West Bank. Preliminary is the optimal word here.
Throughout the entire weekend, I was under the impression that I was going to one of these two countries. I didn't give any thought to the possibility that I could be called to a different place completely.
So on Saturday night, when the program director came and told me that they wanted me to re-interview for Madagascar, of all places, my head was spinning. I didn't know how to react.
There were just so many feelings that I didn't know what to do with, and I didn't know what any of them were, either. They had made sure to tell me that I was asked to re-interview not because I didn't "fit" in the other countries, or because I failed, or because I wasn't good enough.
They wanted me to focus on the fact that Madagascar really wanted me, because I did fit somewhere- it just wasn't somewhere expected. But in that moment, that was impossible to remember or believe. It was hard not to feel like I had been rejected, or singled out for special attention.
I was hurting.
And on top of all of that, I was angry with God. I remember yelling at Him at one point- "If this is a test of my conviction, God, I SWEAR...!!" (I don't know where that threat was going, it was pretty empty) I was scared, and I lashed out at Him.
I had felt very called to Jerusalem/West Bank (JWB) for the entire weekend. I was fairly certain that this was where God wanted me to be. And that was scary enough- living in the Middle East, in the West Bank, for a year? Terrifying. But at least I felt assured that God was calling me to go there. And I knew that if He was calling me there, that He would be there to guide me and carry me through.
All of that was dumped violently on its head when they asked me to re-interview for Madagascar.
I didn't feel called by God to Mada- in fact, it felt like an abandonment by God. Why didn't He show the Church that they were wrong in calling me here? Why did He call me to JWB if only to change His mind and ask me to go to Mada?
I felt His presence when I thought about JWB, when I was interviewing for JWB, when I talked with the country directors and other potential YAGMs for JWB... I felt Him, reassuring me that even though Israel was scary, it would all be okay because He was right there with me. I was so assured in Him. It felt right.
And then... when I thought about Mada, I couldn't feel Him. I didn't sense His presence with me. I felt so vastly, so profoundly alone, especially when compared to how I had felt about JWB. So alone.
Alone and scared. I think that's when I started to cry for the first time. That was also about the time that I started speaking out loud to God. "Where are you?!" "What do you want from me?"
I paced up and down the hall, crying and talking. I had officially lost it. Eventually I wore myself out and came up in front of a crucifix on the wall... I just crumpled in front of it and poured my heart out to God. I don't remember all of what I said, but it went along the lines of:
"I want to be able to trust you, God, completely and to the ends of the Earth. I wish I had the courage and the strength to say, 'Father, not my will, but thine own', but I don't. I'm scared and confused and lost and alone. I don't know what you want from me- I'm not strong enough to do this. I'm terrified. I felt so called to Jerusalem. For what it's worth, I really want to go to the West Bank. I know you change your mind sometimes, God, change it now. I don't want this. I can't go to Madagascar. But I know you're going to do whatever you think is best, regardless of my opinion, so at least be with me, 'cause I'm scared."
Not my most eloquent prayer, but give me a break. It was 3:30 in the morning and I'd just cried my eyes out for the first time in 3 years.
I ended my night reading some of the Psalm 71 out loud, trying to calm myself down. I still didn't know how I felt about this weird new direction my life had suddenly taken...
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